BEA Fashion Tips

Though Book Expo America is still over two weeks away, I can't be the only one to grapple with the most important question of all: what do I wear?

Luckily, PW's BEA Roundup from earlier this month addressed this very topic (no link, alas) and let Clinton Kelly and Stacy London (of What Not to Wear fame) give some choice sartorial advice for the fashion-conscious publishing type:

Rule #1: You may not wear any shoe just because it is comfortable. You may, however, wear a shoe that is both comfortable and stylish. Or a shoe that is excruciatingly painful and completely fabulous. Here are some examples.

Just comfortable (and absolutely forbidden): any sort of sneaker you would wear to any sort of athletic activity*; a tan flat with—God forbid—nude hose; a nurse's shoe or any form of footwear that resembles one; an Ugg boot.

Comfortable and stylish (and acceptable):   a kitten-heel slingback; a split-toe antiqued-leather lace-up (for men only); a ballet flat; a wedge.

Excruciatingly painful and fabulous (and preferred):   a five-inch metallic stiletto sandal.

Rule #2: Pants with tapered legs only make your ass look bigger. We call this widening of the derriere the "ice cream cone effect" in our book, Dress Your Best , which drops September 13. Oh, did we mention that already? Sorry. In a straight, wider leg trouser, you'll look taller and thinner—and your colleagues won't be tempted to place a maraschino cherry on your head.

Rule #2A: Watch the pleats. If you can count more than one on each side of your pants, you're flirting with the prospect of a very puffy crotch. And a puffy crotch is never a sexy look. (Sexy, you say? Of course you need to look sexy at BEA. You might bump into your favorite author at an after-hours party and want to suck a little face! We know: what happens at BookExpo stays at BookExpo.) In general, flat fronts are your friends.

Rule #3: If you got it for free at a bar or bookstore, it's not acceptable for professional use. No T-shirts that state, "I'll Pull Yours If You Pull Mine. Drink Penguin Ale Draft" or "I'm Not Afraid of Virginia Woolf, But I'm Scared to Death of John Grisham!" Although hilarious, these slogans just don't give off an air of, well, mental stability or intellectual prowess. Plus, these oversized one-size-fits-all giveaways just make you look like a schlump.

Rule #4: Eyewear is everything. Everyone knows that all people who work in publishing are myopic (we mean that in the ophthalmic sense, of course), so it's very important that your glasses match your personality as well as your prescription. Tortoiseshells always say you're an intelligent man, and cat's eye frames say you're a woman of mystery. Actually, we're completely BSing this part. We both wear contact lenses.

* There are some very cute Puma sneakers that offer no arch support whatsoever and would be perfect! Especially if they contain a smidge of aqua, which is very big for spring/summer. If you don't want to appear trend- conscious, you could wear orange, which was big last spring. But NEVER EVER wear these with a suit.

So let's see: no glasses -- check. Stylish but brutally uncomfortable stiletto boots -- check. Wide leg trousers -- check, check and check. Free t-shirts -- most certainly not.

I think I'll be ready, world.

Comments

[christin]

this post is right up my alley. If I do get the chance, as I plan, to attend Bouchercon 2005 - I think I will deem myself resident fashion police. I should start writing up my citations now:

"Wearing of vest circa 1987 with animals dancing in the barnyard motif - FINED $50"

"Shoes that even your grandmother wouldn't be caught dead in - FINED $50"

"Any type of mullet or mullet-esque hairstyle - FINED $100" (sure that one's pricey - let the punishment fit the crime)

I see I've got work to do.

[Mary]

Christin you'll make a fortune at Bcon ;-)

[David J. Montgomery]

You probably won't find any mullets at B'con, but fashion disasters will be found a-plenty.

[Donna]

Damn...if the fashion police are out I'd better stay in my hotel room at Bouchercon.

[Bryon]

Donna, your overall fabulousness makes up for any fashion misteps you might make. And I can't be the only one who wants to see you in a "I'll pull yours if you pull mine" t-shirt.

Of course I wore jeans and tennis shoes to everything at BCon, including the basketball game.

[christin]

yes, i remember seeing the jeans at the basketball game in pictures. that'll be $75 not only for the fashion crime but for inappropriate garment/event selection.

[Cara]

I'll be checking Sarah's foot attire at her Saturday morning blogging panel which I will attend in my equally uncomfortable pointy, stilleto boots.

[Margery]

Clinton & Stacy be damned - I'm wearing my Keds when I'm at BEA - I've walked the length of the Javits Center and will not do it again in anything by comfortable shoes. Of course, maybe the fashion police won't ticket me if I'm wearing my new pink top-siders.

Margery who is looking forward to Sarah's panel too.

[Sarah]

Christin -- I am *so* on fashion police beat duty with you. Especially when we have to critique those authors dressing as their characters...

Cara -- this reminds me a bit of Ali Karim's somewhat infamous "My Feet Are Killing Me" contest for SHOTS a few years ago: http://www.shotsmag.co.uk/MY%20FEET.htm#top

Margery -- I'm with you about walking the length of Javits. The one and only time I did so, I wore running shoes and my feet hurt bigtime.

To all -- the panel referred to is one on the role of Book reviewers in the mystery world, tentatively featuring Jim Huang, Kate Stine, Gayle Lynds, Doug Clegg, and myself.

[m.j. rose]

Actually, Doug Clegg won't be moderating that anymore, Gayle Lynds will be. (And I bet she will look smashing.) I can't wait for that panel either.