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May 19, 2005

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» Speechless, Indeed from in the realm of the fictionman
Saw this linked on another blog. Go read it. The post is short, but it's the comments that make it. http://www.sarahweinman.com/confessions/2005/05/now_i_know_how_.html I just don't get mail or comments like that...... [Read More]

Comments

christin

I KNEW I should've picked a more reputable agency than one called XYZ...damn it!

Guyot

You know, Sarah, I sent you that in confidence. I am busting my butt to try and get David J. Montgomery a deal. But fitting his manuscript into the crime/suspense category is like trying to fit Star Jones into one of Paris Hilton's thongs...

I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

John Rickards

Oh, you claim you threw up.

But you'd watch it if it happened on TV.

We all would.

Especially if Paris was still wearing the thong when it happened.

Victor Gischler


Dear Sarah,

Do you know where I parked my car? Are my shoes on? What time is it?

Thanks for your help,
XYZ Literary Agency

Bryon

Sarah,

Do you know what happened to my literary agent? He was trying to sell my next book and has stopped returning my calls.

Thanks for your help,
Victor Gischler

Ray

Dear Sarah,
I also found your blog online. I tried to find it down the back of the couch, etched on the side of a dead budgie and even braved the smell to examine Rickards' End, but to no avail. Apparently your blog can only be found online. Had you thought about making your blog available on stray dogs or midgets wearing sandwich boards? Everyone loves a midget.

Especially if you dress it up as either a hobo or a nun.

Guyot

Dear Sarah,
I found your blog online. I have a manuscript that fits into the crime/suspense category. I am presently trying to get the manuscript to publishers. Do you have any suggestions on publishers who love a great crime/suspense story that involves Cambodian midgets who go on a crime spree (only they say "Whee!") killing people of height by crushing their skulls with sandwich boards? Any info would be greatly appreciated.

John Rickards

Dear Sarah,

I found your blog online with the aid of a stepladder because the goddamn internet cafe where I am doesn't have chairs that change height properly, the bastards.

I am a Cambodian midget on the run following a spree of killings I carried out using only my sandwich board. I escaped the country disguised as a hobo nun and I am now looking to sell my story.

Do you have any suggestions for publishers who would be interested in a crime/suspense/midget autobiography? Any info would be greatly appreciated.

Sarah

I think I'm having a mad crush on my backblog.

Ingrid

I know I'm having a mad crush on your backblog. Funniest thing I've read in weeks.

Clair Lamb

Thank God I didn't have to break my moratorium on righteous indignation:

http://lionvs40midgets.uk-directory.com/

Guyot

Dear Sarah,
I found your blog online after failing looking for it in the bushes and behind my couch.

I am a detective currently hunting a nasty little Cambodian bastard responsible for a number of malfeasance far too disquieting to go into here.

Do you have any suggestions on publishers who love a good crime/mystery/Cambodianmidgetkillingpeoplewithsandwichboards story told from the point of view of the ACTUAL cop on the case?

Any info would be greatly appreciated.

Jack Stryker
Foreign Dwarf & Little people task force

Ray

Dear Miss Weinman,

I am a liger. I found your blog address tattooed on the rump of a Cambodian midget I liked to call Pepsi. This was before I ate him. I have written the first of a series of liger/nun slashfic, each book to be approximately 200,000 words long (roughly double the size of a MacBride tome and four times the size of a normal book) and falling into the "book" genre. Dealing with the sticky and topical subject of lions versus tigers and the cross-breeding that occurs, as well as nuns gittin' it awn, my series aims to blow the lid off American Idol, Trading Spaces, Enron and the moon landings.

Please excuse the sloppy writing, but I'm a liger and therefore do not possess opposable thumbs.

Rowr.

Stuart MacBride

Dear Miss Weinman,

I am a wandering evangelical minister of no fixed abode. I found your blog between the hardcore weasel porn and naked pictures of Martha Stewart, sinful hussy that she is. I have been ministering to a bus conductor of dubious intent, who dresses up as a ligon at children’s parties in order to ‘get it on’ with the balloons and novelty cake.

I was wondering if you knew of any Cambodian Midgets that might be interested in publishing a story about my dealings with said ligon-impersonating sexual deviant and our struggle to reclaim his self-esteem and underpants. It is a story full of tragedy, laughter, illegal frolics and opposable thumbs in the mystery/self-help/voyeuristic-nun book category.

Any info would be treated in the strictest confidence, but if you could send a naked photograph it would be most appreciated.

Yours in fraternal incest,

Rev. Richmond T Wilberforce ESQ. DDS & Bar

Dave White

Dear Sarah,

I have recently completed a suspense/crime story entitled PROMISES TO KEEP. I am currently looking for a place to publish it. I stumbled on to your blog online and find it is a great source for this kind of thing.

Any help you can lend would be appreciated.

Sincerely,

Dave White

(Oh... wait... you guys are making fun? Shit.)

Joe

Dear Ms. Whineman (is that spelled right?):

I found your blog while vacuuming my underwear drawer. I don't write screenplays. I have a girlfriend who does. Would that be okay to put in my query regarding my someday-to-be-published best-selling novel involving Cambodian Ligers and PETA? Because, like, when the movie deals start rolling in, I want to have an answer for my agent about whether or not I can do the screenplay.

Um. Could you be my agent?

Are you an agent?

If you're not an agent, do you know any?

Should I just get that screenplay writing software and lie about whether or not I can write screenplays?

Any help at all is appreciated.

Joe Blowthemandown
Happy Willows Rest Center

Jennifer Jordan

Dear Ms. Whynmane,

Your blog was linked from a site devoted to bread fetishists and I know you're the person that can help me.

I am a cross-dressing midget vacuum salesmas that had a girlfriend that wanted to be an agent.

I've just killed her by stuffing underwear down her throat and feeding her to a hobo liger with a sign that said,"Will write screenplay for food"

Now I'm stuck with a screenplay and I've no idea where to sell it.

Any ideas?

Pedantically yours,

Will M. DeVoe

Kaytie

Dear Ms. Whynmain,

I found your blog conveniently located on a shelf at Walgreens, where I was in line to exchange the Humulin U they gave me this morning for the Humulin L I'm accustomed to giving my dog every day.

Unfortunately, the pharmacist was killed for his Star Wars tickets by a Cambodian midget wearing two-tone green sandwich-boards for pants and a liger-fur bikini top before he could hand over the correct Insulin (which, incidently, it turns out, my local Walgreen's doesn't have today).

My questions are two-part and two-fold. 1a) Don't you think this would make a tremendous book/movie/tv spin-off and 1b) do you know how to move the pictures in my memory to the blank white page? If so, 2a) Would you mind writing and publishing it under my name before 2b), transfering all proceeds to my Nigerian bank account via cashier's check?

I'll love you forever,
Faith Cares

Daisy

Hello Miss Sarah Weinman

I found your blog delightful and I think you are a person who can help me. I am an official in the government of Nigeria and I need to move a large sum of money out my country before the Cambodian-midget-supported coup occurs next week. I was considering using a liger disguiesed as a nun as a courier, but I have been told they are not very reliable. Therefore, I have two questions to be asking you:
1) Can you tell me the names and home telephone numbers of several agents and publishers who will publish my fiction novel in the crime/suspense/cookbook genre without reading it and give me lots of money?
2) How many ligers does it take to defeat a medium-sized midget?
3) Please give me your bank account number.

Thank You Dearly
X. Y. Zinnania

Andi

Dear Sarah Jackman,
How's by you?
I found your blog offline....scuze me, I couldn't get past sentence one. WHERE THE FRAP ELSE DOES SOMEONE FIND A BLOG? By FRAGGIN flapping definition, Scout, this is on-line.

You know those "they license people to drive but not to become parent" rants? And the famous writers schools that people pay money to in the SAD belief that they'll end up writers? PATHETIC if indeed this friggin moron idiot is claiming to be an agent because his/her so-called clients are setting fire to their money and burning it. Poof. Gone. Of course, I don't suppose it occured to said so-called clients (if they exist) to CHECK credentials, references, word around town about this so-called agent?

This alleged human is to agents as Publish America is to publishers...

I can only offer as a close "this sort of thing happened to me once" an email I got a few years ago where I was asked to provide assistance, for nothing "for the purpose of enhancing a particular organization's image". An organization I was not a member of, not especially welcome in, but apaprently it was felt that the "prestige" of being associated in such a project was payment enough. I saved the email for it's jaw-dropping qualities. I was nicer in my response than I remembered.

Someone Else

My Darling Miz Weinman,

I am most prominent in wishing you felicitations of welcome. I have become apparent of various undercurrents and wish to approach you with bended elbow, regarding the very much betterment of books. Labouring under the ministrations of an itinerant lay preacher – laying hands on mens and womens and all gods creatures, whether they like it or not – I have crafted a sublime novel of infinite depths and words. I am wondering if you are mostly able to help my insecuring of agents and publishers with a Cambodian-midget-Liger bent who are interested mostly in perpetrating a naughty nun/mystery/musical with overtones of baboon semen?

I would require you to conjugate between the hours of three and six Mondays to Friday and wear an camisole fashioned from tea-towels featuring Mr George Bush President in fedora and lederhosen. I am also wishing a naked picture and I will send this to you on receipt of your address. Once you have one.

Be not afraid, already I am oiling.

All best wishes and God Bless these untidied states,

Yours truly,

Gandolpho Ermenigham
Email in security most high – No salesman will call!

Guyot

Dear Sarah,
I found your blog while attempting to scrub off the defensive marks on my throat and elbows after trying to overcome a liger with a doily and a dreidel.

I have a manuscript that fits into the hassid/gnome category called YIDDISH WITH CAMBODIAN MIDGETS AND CHARLES KURALT. I am presently trying to get the manuscript to publishers or Russian Orthodox Winnebago drivers. Do you have any suggestions on publishers who love a great Yiddish/midget story?

Please note that I am NOT talking about dwarves. Or is it dwarfs? I am talking about midgets. The ones the Dead Kennedys sang about in "Holiday in Cambodia." Dwarfs freak me out and when in their presence can only manage to strut around in a crescent-shaped path singing "Fly Me to the Moon."

Any info would be greatly appreciated.

Yours in Christ,
Shmuel Felch

Alina Adams

Dear Ms. Weinman and Co.

I am a Cambodian midget.

You will be hearing from my lawyer.

Do you know any?

Bryon

Dear Ms. Weinman:

I read your manuscript with great interest this week but after careful consideration I have decided I would not be able to successfully market your Cambodian midget pyscho-sexual hitman thriller told from the point of view of the cop on the case to the publishers I regularly do business with. We wish you the best of luck with your project.

Sincerly,
XYZ Literary Agency

Joe

Dear Mr. Whyman:

I speak Cambodian and I'm short. Can I have a job?

Tigon Liger

Muffin

Dear Padre Garcia,

I found your iguana in the rectory. I will leave it with Sra. Ramirez-Gutierrez when she comes to clean the deaf-mute.

As we have asked previously, please do not leave your iguana near the empanadas.

Yours in Christ,

Muffin

Inigo Montoya

Dear Senora Weinman,

My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

But first: can you get me a book deal?

JDRhoades

Dear Sarah:

Your blog found me lurking behind the couch. I won't do it anymore, I promise. Please, please, get these midgets off of me!

--Mr. Mxyztplk

NYC Mouse

Dear Sarah,

I am a publisher with 10 million dollars to spend on an advance. I love a great crime/suspense story. Do you have any suggestions on agents who might have one to sell?  Any info would be greatly appreciated.


Sincerely Yours,
XYZ Books

PS: We pay extra for ligers.

Iguana Juan

Dear Sarah,

I'm an iguana looking for an apartment in the city. Please let me know if you need a roommate.

Your friend,
Iguana Juan

Andi

Dear Sra. Weinman-Ramirez-Gutierrez ,

I represent Pubglosh America, which, as you know is a Traditional Publisher of Real Good Books what people read. Our books sell in the tens, sometimes even not to relatives of the authors. Currently we are in the market for stories about little people, lions and tigers and bears (oh my). We are especially interested in books in Cambodian by real Cambodians, no Thai or Laotians please. Our last big seller by Shmuel Felch, whom, as I'm sure you know now, is really the ghost of Charles Kurault, was page-turning, heart-stopping, high octane thriller about publishing, Nigerian nuns, revenge-seeking figure skating sword-fighters, and finding apartments in Manhattan and we actually paid an advance for it. It's been called the next DaVinci Code.

As we have asked previously, please do not leave your empanadas near the iguana.

Yours in Muffin,

Christ

M.J. Rose

Dear Sarah,
I lost your blog. With so many blogs being sumbitted each day, disappearing urls happen. But I can tell you that I did enjoy it.

Unfortunately there are over 10 million blogs circulating each day, and not enough readers for them all. So, while yours was interesting and informative and quite well done, I don't think I loved it as much as I'd need to in order to represent you.

Thanks for your submission,
Agent Provacteur

Elaine Flinn

Dear Sarah:

An agent by the name of Faustino Goff just emailed me asking me to do a book containing material similiar to what has been offered on your blog. Why the hell he emailed me instead of you, I don't know and don't really care. I told him I don't do dwarfs, am not fluent in Cambodian, and I frankly don't like short people -especially blonde, size two twits who wear thongs and stiletto's. I'm very busy just now and don't have time to screw around with this. Please contact him directly. He's staying with Donald Trump this week and assured me you knew The Donald's number. He also said he was looking for a room mate for his new penthouse in Trump Tower. The only requirement was that you fix sushi once a week-no California rolls please-and he'd be delighted if you might do Shabu Shabu once in awhile. He'll do the puffer fish on alternate weeks.

John Comelately

Dear Ms. Weinman:

I was at a book conference and met these two guys who said they were brothers. One of them makes TV shows. Their names were Lee and Tod. They suggested I Email to you because I really have this great idea, for a book, but I don't really have time to write it. They said you were the one to help me out.

Thanks for your time.

And I love your website.

Jessa

dear ms. weinamn,
i've a story abuot a boy whoz father woz a cambodian midlget & one againts a lion & teached his kidz who to prepare a asian sandwich from dragons do you want it?
plz answre soon!!!
jessa

A Tad Slick

Dear Ray,
I am an agent/publisher who wants to see your manuscript. You'll save money working with me because I won't be in conflict with myself like all those other agents and publishers. I'm here for YOU. Can I send you some thumbs so you can finish it before Jessa's manuscript is published? I don't mean to rush you but the publishing window for liger/Trading Spaces books is closing fast and we need your manuscript set in type by next week. Please contact me, c/o Sarah Weinman who is kindly brokering this deal. If anyone else bids, please do not sign with them. Including that liar over at XYZ Books who doesn't have the money and their last book by a liger went NOWHERE.

bluepoppy

Dear Ms. Wineman,

Earlier this afternoon, while lunching at Wendy's, I found your blog while fishing a human finger out of my chili.

So, do you have an agent who would be interested in this story-- clearly a good fit for the murder mystery genre? There was even a policeman sitting two tables down from me! If your agent doesn't want to publish it, I'm totally suing you.

Pinky Jones

Laura

Dear Ms. Weinman,

Thank you for the materials you forwarded to me. At first, I didn't see how I could fit all those elements -- midgets, ligers, human thumbs, iguanas, your apartment search etc. -- into a book on the Masons. But you know what? The first draft of The Da Vinci Code didn't have the albino assassin until I watched Manhunter on USA Network one night.


Sincerely,

Dan Brown

jon jordan

Ms. Weinman,

Your blog came to me in a fevered dream after eating liger and pineapple pizza. I googled you and after checking out the hot nude celebrities I checked out your site.

I have a wonderful idea for a book. I know it will be good because I have a plan. My writing buddy at my Starbucks writing group told me it was important to have a plan, so I went to walmart.com and ordered their best one. In fact I was so jazzed up on double-half-caf-mochas that I ordered all their plans.
I am going to kidnap authors of really long and best-selling books, I am then putting them in my basement. I have a Cambodian dwarf (not midget) who assures me he can help. We are going to hook up electrodes directly into the skulls of these writers and filter their creative thoughts into a computer. I know the hook up work because during the testing phase we had the authors doing some dance routines from South Pacific, it was quite nice and we got a bit carried away! We had a writer from Oklahoma singing “Wash that man right out of my hair” all night.
Anyhow… I know our plan for the perfect bestseller will work. We even have a great title picked out, THE ROGERS AND HAMMERTEIN CODE.

It is the story of a young man living in Michigan with a funny last name who refuses to stop going to school. He discovers a secret in musical production script and is driven to find the answers while traveling all over the world. He meets a nun in Paraguay who enjoys intrigue and the banjo and together they are off to save the world.

While I am considering generous offers from PublishUSA and some other wonderful firms, but I want to offer this book to you. No no, I don’t want you to be my agent, only fools use agents! I want you to publish it.

That’s right, I want you to publish it. I think if you take out a loan and start your own publishing house that this book will guarantee you the success to go on to many great things. This is your calling, and I know it will work because the authors hooked up to my computer had me by a plan for starting your own business from Walmart.com.

I await your advance check.

Daniel Braun

Seb

Dear Mademoiselle Wy-ay-man.
I found your blog holding up a bank run by Cambodian midgets and am being held hostage. Despite this I still have a great idea for a book.
It's the tragic tale of the love between a liger and the bestselling author Dan Brown (who is dressed as a nun to hide his identity). I can't be bothered writing this book, but if you would write it for me I would let you publish it for me as well.
Also could you send a message to my roommate Juan the Iguana that I will not be home in time for tea. And could you go and wash the dishes for me? And bring me some jaffa cakes.

Yours sincerely,
The President Of Nigeria.

Brian

Dear Sarah,

I was reading this fabulous book about how Cambodian midgets were smuggling the completed liger genome by writing it on sandwichboards they were wearing, and I thought to myself, "now here's the guy to write my biography!"

Now, the publisher wasn't very good, and had forgotten to include they guy's name, but I found your blog address written on a bookmark with Charles Kurault's picture on it.

Obviously, you're in the know on stuff like this, so could you please let me know who the author is, or maybe recommend someone who might know?

Zoe Sharp

Hi Sarah

Remember you made mention of the prize I won at ThrillerFest in NYC? Well, I'd like to send it to you on permanent loan. It would seem that your need is far greater than mine!

Cheers

Zoe
PS Can I have Jammie Dodgers instead of Jaffa Cakes? I get really bad-tempered when I have chocolate.

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